#Grief 60 Day Check-in

I miss him terribly he was my baby child, and his form on Earth will always be remembered by the span of his time on it–14 years.

In my son’s 14 years he touched many lives online and off. He was a bright light- a Light Bringer.

But beyond the many beautiful things I know of my son from his time on Earth I now know that as his mother the ways that I cope with Ricky’s transition will mark my transformation in the After.

I have had days that I have felt like I was outside of my body. I have had days that the stabbing feeling in my heart hurt me. I have felt the stabbing in my heart over and over again when I am triggered by a memory. I have been on the floor in agony.

But I have also…

Done things to make me feel as though I am still caring for my son: his memorial scholarship fund, his memorial container garden, and the preservation of all his treasured belongings and collectors items in indoor, climate controlled storage(my daughter and I moved to a smaller apartment after Ricky’s memorial service).

The labors associated with all those things fill part of the void of his absence. I am his mother I am supposed to be caring for him, but because he is in Heaven now, my labors extend to those things that send his spirit forth in love, devotion, and service.

Each day demands a new appraisal of my condition. New challenges, new ways of being in the After. I can say that my bereaved parents online community, meditation, my extended network of friends(some who never met Ricky but offer sincere and genuine care) and family have helped to sustain me.